


Flickering

by StorybookClimax



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-25
Updated: 2018-02-16
Packaged: 2019-03-09 05:43:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13474881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StorybookClimax/pseuds/StorybookClimax
Summary: A flashback terrorizes Ciel's night, but it also keeps him from summoning his butler for help.





	1. Would You Light My Candle?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Some of you might remember Flickering from when I had posted some of it in 2014. I've been retooling it for a while now, so I'm posting it anew chapter-by-chapter. Flickering takes place after the school arc, thus neatly avoiding the twins. No hate, but I wrote some of this before they existed.

A gasp ripped from Ciel's chest as he jolted awake. The young Earl quickly sat up and prepared to call out, but he forced the name in his throat to stay down. The ironic saviour had been the star of a vicious night terror; calling him would not help ease Ciel.

_Get a hold of yourself. You're in your bedroom, Ciel. It was just a dream._

Still panting from the rush of fear, Ciel threw the blankets aside and shuffled towards the window. Allowing the moon to fill the room would let him see there was nothing worth fretting over, but his pride demanded he thought he would simply inspect the grounds from his bedroom by doing so. The sharp winter air penetrated the room when the curtains were drawn, forcing the petite boy to rush to his wardrobe and don his robe. He tied the waist tight and folded his arms about his chest, shutting his mismatched eyes tight to fight the images that tried to flash in his mind’s eye. Sleep would not come again to Ciel. For quite a while, at least.

_I might as well get started on the export forms. So much damned paperwork to sell a few stuffed rabbits in America._

A dull distraction might save his mental state. Having made up his mind, Ciel stepped into his slippers and threw open the bedroom door. New gaslights were left on low throughout the mansion at night so vision would not be horribly impaired should an emergency arise. Sebastian had insisted a gas line be installed throughout the manor for the humans’ convenience.

Ciel’s shivering hands were buried in the pockets of the pale blue robe he had expected to grow into by now; without a fireplace in the hallway, the chill of the cruel winter had settled comfortably.

It was a rather direct route from his bedroom to the study. He latched the door and reached above the fireplace to strengthen the flames of the dim fire by turning on the gas, but nothing happened.

_Dammit! The gasoline hasn't been connected here yet. Just what is the point of paying those fools?_

After hissing in disgust, the sleepless boy took a seat at his familiar desk and struck a match to light the lamp. Striking the match took a few attempts and many more curses, but he managed it eventually. He rustled through the piles of papers a moment before finding the export request forms. His quill was at the ready, but the jar of ink proved to be more difficult to manage than the match. The determination he employed when seeking to accomplish anything caused him to simply break off the cap at the glass neck of the bottle.

_I have plenty more ink jars in the drawer so what does it matter if this one dries out?_

Not thirty minutes passed before a knock at the door gave Ciel quite a jump. His arm twitched drastically to the side and knocked over the ink bottle, cutting his hand on the broken glass in the process. The sting was sudden and shot up through his elbow, cramping the muscles.

_Fucking hell!_

The door latch clicked open, releasing a flood of winter air into the room. Ciel stumbled to cover up the mess so he might properly reprimand whoever was disturbing him. Slightly glowing magenta eyes were exposed as the door opened further, sending a sensation of terror through the young Earl.

“Young Master? Might I ask what you are doing in here, bleeding and covered in ink?” Sebastian’s incredulous voice was startling to the Earl, who had spent the past while in utter silence. Before an answer could even be pondered, the demon butler had gotten on bended knee beside his young master and begun inspecting the gash.

“It does not require much attention, but we must cleanse it of the ink.”

“I couldn’t sleep.” The shaking in Ciel’s voice surprised them both, distracting Sebastian from the wound for but a second. The little one took a quick breath to rectify his show of emotion and continued.

“Some loud bang outside the window woke me up. I simply could not fall back to sleep so I decided to start on these bloody Export Request forms. They always lull me to the brink of slumber.” Sebastian nodded in response, mostly out of respect for his young master. Anyone could see through such nonsense, but there is no room for a Butler to argue with his master.

“Well, judging by the pile of completed forms and how low the wick has burned in the lamp, you have done nothing but work for the past twenty-seven minutes. Come, young master. We will rinse your hand in your bathroom and I will bandage it properly. Perhaps I can get you some nice chamomile tea to get you back to sleep?” The demon butler always had a way with calming the young Earl.

_So why did he not simply call me?_

Ciel nodded and headed out from the study. His butler extinguished the lamp and followed closely after shutting the door. The boy showed no signs of hindering his speed for the demon butler to catch up, but experience told him Sebastian would be right with him. And he was.

The bedroom was still as icy as it was when Ciel had stormed away, if not more so. Sebastian swiftly reached above the fireplace and twisted the key to turn up the flames.

_Goddammit. How could I forget that was here? I **was** in a panic…_

The bathroom door was already ajar, so a light push was all Ciel had to give to gain full entry. He stood at the vanity while Sebastian pulled some cloths and ointment from a higher shelf Ciel had no hope of reaching. A bucket of water had been left after Ciel’s bath in case of some emergency, and precautions paid off. The Butler slid the boys robe off and hung it temporarily from the door.

_Just one slight stain on the sleeve. Mey-rin can wash that in the morning._

 The bulk of the ink and blood had seeped onto the nightshirt. Sebastian kneeled before Ciel and began unbuttoning, going top down. As he got lower, however, the boy began to get restless. The button at his navel was as far as Sebastian was permitted. His gloved hand was slapped away as Ciel stepped back.

“ That’s far enough. I can slip my arm out from here.” The most curious hesitation dripped from his words. Sebastian's eyes widened in alarm for quite obvious reasons, but he did not fight the odd behavior.

_Perhaps the young master had another nightmare. That has never stopped him from calling me before, though._

“As you wish, young master. However, it is inadvisable for you to sleep in a bloodsoaked nightshirt. If you'll allow me, I can assist in dressing you with more hygienic clothing.” Sebastian put forth his most doting tone of voice, but it was hardly an act. No response was given, so the Butler signaled for the young master to pull his right arm out while allowing the left to hold the shirt close to his body.

“I apologize, my Lord, but the water will be quite cold. It would be better if I cleaned the wounds now, but I could heat some water when we have finished if you wish to bathe? That would warm you for bed.”  After removing his gloves and rolling his sleeves up, Sebastian dipped the cloth into the chilled bucket, wrung out the excess, and began to gently scrub around the cut. The ink proved as stubborn as the one it stained, but it began to fade after a minute or so.

“The manor is quite frigid. Did Finny crack the foundation again?” At last, a bit of criticism to show his mood was improving. It was all very queer to Sebastian, but a smirk was able to grace his face.

“The manor is always this temperature on a January night. You are typically under several layers of thick blankets with a fire going all night, so it would make sense that you never noticed.” Inspecting the wound under the gaslight, the Butler pulled the bucket closer to the young Earl. “You'll want to get that into the water for a moment before I apply the ointment. We cannot risk an infection, especially with your recent difficulties with asthma attacks.”

“I have only had a few difficulties because you failed to think ahead. Have you considered what effect soaking my hand in frigid water might have? I can assure you that it would not be very pleasant.” Ciel was thoroughly unamused, and this was very amusing to the demon.

_There’s the insufferable brat._

“It is just for a moment, but the ink must be at least rinsed off of the laceration. I will run you a hot bath then, young master. Along with some soothing chamomile, I do believe sleep will return to you.”

Growling in defiance, the young Earl finally gave in and roughly sunk his hand into the cold waters. A gasp took his chest as the cold bit his hand, sending the boy into a coughing fit. Sebastian's eyes never left his young master as there was a possibility of this little fit developing into a total attack, but the coughing ceased after a moment. As opposed to subjecting Ciel to further difficulties, the demon pulled his arm from the water and swiftly toweled it off. A bit of pink ointment smelling of lavender was applied directly to the wound; Ciel cursed at the pain, but the bandage was completed before his annoyance was completely uttered.

“I will change myself, Sebastian. You may leave.” With his mismatched eyes still avoiding his butler, the boy turned on his heel and walked directly to the wardrobe so he could find another nightshirt. Sebastian narrowed his gaze on his young master and watched carefully, trying to deduce what precisely disturbed Ciel this evening. The contract formed an extremely intimate bond between the two, but telepathy was beyond its abilities. A command had been made, but the words insinuated ability as opposed to a direct order; Sebastian used this to his advantage and left the bathroom, but only to stand properly beside the bed.

Sebastian had always been one to move quietly, so Ciel assumed the butler had simply left. He let the dress shirt slide down his underdeveloped body and pool about his feet while he searched the drawers for another. Seeing as how he had not fetched his own clothing in years, it took the boy a moment to find the right drawer. The bottom right drawer slid open to expose a collection of nightshirts, and he greedily grabbed one to slide his arms into; the buttons proved to be difficult and he growled at his inability to perform such a simple task.

“Would you care for assistance, young master?” The words echoed through the darkness and made Ciel paralyzed with fear for just a moment, flashes of the nightmare suddenly haunting his mind.

“You disobeyed an order, Sebastian! How revolting!” The angry words bellowed from the boy as he turned to face the demon, ensuring his hands held the nightshirt closed around his hips. His anger caused the faint magenta contract mark in his eye to glow, but Sebastian simply raised his hand to his chest and bowed slightly.

“With all due respect, young master, your wording gave me the ability to leave but did not command me to do so. What kind of a butler would I be if I simply let my master put himself to bed after such a rough evening?” The demon could not help but smirk at his words, knowing his master could not reprimand such thinking without seeming like even more of a child. Ciel glared at his butler.

“You watched me from the corner like some predator with his prey.  You knew I thought you were gone. You could have… I was exposed and you could have…” The words came sputtering from his mouth before trailing off, his little mouth still moving to form some kind of scolding. Sebastian stood straight up and eyed this suddenly terrorized boy curiously.

_The young Lord could not possibly think…_

“Young master?” Sebastian's memories flashed back to their meeting, a rather disgusting scene put on by even more disgusting humans. The ritual Ciel's captors used to summon a demon dated back many years and required the rape of innocent boys; Sebastian appeared after such transgressions had been posed against his now master. What those foul humans failed to realize was that the boy was the one to make the sacrifice, so he was the one to get the contract. Why else would there not have been more men bragging about their accomplishment of contracting a demon?

“You could have…” The nightmare haunting his mind suddenly flooded his senses, making Ciel tug at his hair and fall to his knees. There have been many times the abuses of those men appeared in his dreams, but tonight it was different. A trick of the mind put Sebastian in place of the man who violated his body. The perfect butler, his trusted confidant, his contracted demon. Groaning from terror and frustration, the young Earl shut his eyes tightly in an attempt to be rid of the images.

“Young Master, I would never…” Sebastian took a few steps closer to the agonizing boy, the humans were such fickle beings that he was unsure if closeness would help the matter were simply aggravate it. Ciel made no attempt to stop him, so the Butler took a few more steps and lowered to his knees in front of the little Lord. “Have the nightmares returned, my Lord?” His voice was sincere with concern, rather displeased with how devastated his master could become over just a few unpleasant images in his sleep.

“You will never betray me… You will never lie to me…” Ciel's voice was shaking, but the commands were more reminders for himself than actual orders. They were stipulations for the contract he cherished more than his own life, and he hoped the reminder would settle his terrified frenzy. It helped enough to allow him eye contact with the demon, but the trembling continued. He looked so helpless, so insecure, and quite possibly worst of all, so childish. Sebastian had no doubt his young master would recover from the breakdown, but his attitude the next day may be twice as bratty as before in order to compensate.

Nevertheless, Sebastian offered his signature smile and nodded. “I will never betray you, and lying is unbefitting a Phantomhive Butler. All you must do is call my name, young master, and your wish is my command.” The technique worked in that terrible ritual room Baron Kelvin had prepared for the young Phantomhive, so it was worth a try.

_That's what started this. The young master should let me kill him instead; I could have made such music from his screams._

“Sebastian…” Ciel forced the name from his lips, but the comfort it brought was minimal. “My Butler you may be, but you are also a demon.” Sebastian's nature when he is unbound was always a bit of a mystery, but not one he had ever sought to resolve. Demons, according to most folklore, were selfish beasts desperate to fulfill their most carnal desires by nearly any means necessary. Ciel had been exposed before his butler time and time again, but the dream only aggravated the worry that his demon could lose control and steal either his soul, or worse, the last bit of virtue he had left.

Sebastian was a bit confused by the statement; being a demon had never bothered the young master before, so why is he mentioning it now? “I am indeed a demon, but your meaning is rather vague. Could you explain, my Lord?”

“Demons are notorious for not following rules to the letter. You took liberty in my command of not being a direct order only a few moments ago, Sebastian. What other liberties might you take? What restraint might be challenged in other situations?” Ciel was climbing out of despair and into frustration at the fact that he knew so little about the one he trusted so very much. Sebastian was understandably annoyed at the question, his gaze narrowing as the smile melted from his lips.

“I do not understand where these questions are coming from, young master. I have done nothing to warrant suspicion over the years. I cannot lie to you, so I ask that you trust me when I say you have nothing to fear from me.” Sebastian stood rather abruptly and extended a hand towards the boy. “Now, if you would allow me, I will button your nightshirt and get you back into–”

“Prove it to me.” Ciel's voice and expression were serious, only further annoying the demon.

“Young Master, it is late and–” Sebastian tried to reason, but an emotional fourteen-year-old is not one for logic.

“That is an order. Prove it to me. I don't care how.” Ciel was angry, desperate, and not at all thinking straight.

_The little brat wants proof? He shall have it._

Within an instant, Sebastian had knocked Ciel onto his back and pinned his wrists to the floor with his legs acting as restraints on the little Lord's. Their lips met in the simplest of brushes, but Sebastian broke the contact as soon as it was made.

“Demons indeed fall prey to carnal desires. You are concerned I will lose control and have at your body, am I correct? Here's your proof that will never happen; the beginnings of such acts has transpired and you are absolutely vulnerable at this moment, yet nothing is happening.”

“You just…” His words were barely audible; Ciel stared up at his demon, rather in shock at his brazen behavior.

“Your order was to prove it, and you did not care how. This was the most direct route to assuaging your concerns, I believe.” Sebastian stood again, a gentle smile curling his lips as his gaze softened upon the young Earl. “You are safe with me, young master. You have my word.” With the last bit, he bent into a bow as his hand crossed his chest. He was indeed very genuine with his words without any need for loopholes.

“Fine.” Ciel took a deep breath to relax as he rose from the floor. “Button my shirt and I shall return to bed. Wake me an hour later than usual tomorrow.” His words were firm as they typically were, making Sebastian's little smile grow into a complete grin. The gloved hands swiftly buttoned and ushered the boy back into bed, tucking the blankets about his little body. Ciel did not speak another word as Sebastian tied shut the curtains and lowered the flames of the fire before approaching the door.

“Good night, young master. I do hope pleasant dreams grace your mind for the remainder of the night.”

“We will not speak of this.” The voice called from beneath a mountain of blankets, forcing Sebastian to stifle a chuckle.

“As you wish, my Lord.” The butler gently shut the door, waiting just outside to listen for sleep to take his young master. Within minutes, Ciel’s breathing had slowed and Sebastian headed towards the study. The ink would have to be cleaned up and the export forms should be looked over in case something was documented incorrectly in a fit of sleepless ramblings.

The kiss, though simply an act of trust exercise, tiptoed its way into each of their minds. Ciel had no instinct or want to force Sebastian off of him, and Sebastian wondered why he had not been berated excessively after the fact. The train of thought was immediately derailed, attributed to a sleepless mindset.

_The Earl of Phantomhive would never frolic with one below his station, especially a Butler._

They each shared this thought, but could it have been an act of trying to convince themselves of such standards?


	2. Playing with Fire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So very many questions, young master

The morning went precisely as Sebastian predicted.  After parking a cart of Darjeeling tea, assorted pastries, and new bandaging for the laceration outside the door, the Butler gently opened the entryway and gazed upon the bundle of blankets covering the boy.

“Young Master?” He called softly, attempting to rouse Ciel from a deep slumber. The blankets shifted at what would appear to be his feet, bringing Sebastian a small grin. He quickly approached the curtains and yanked them open to pour sunlight onto the bed; the most disgusted growl escaped the sheets, only making his grin double in size.

“Young Master, it is time to rise. There is much to do today, and you have already slept two hours longer than normal.” The blankets shuffled as Sebastian stepped outside the room to retrieve the cart, noting a squeaky wheel in the back left as it was brought beside the bed. The Darjeeling had already been steeping sixty seconds longer than is customary, but the young Lord seemed desperately in need of a stronger cup of tea this morning. After swiftly pouring a cup and setting it aside, the Butler moved to Ciel's side and folded the blankets halfway down the mattress.

“How dare you!” Ciel roared out as he sat and tried to yank the blankets back over his body, but they had been tucked tightly in anticipation of this response. Sebastian had not stopped grinning, but his patience was beginning to run thin.

“I have a cup of Darjeeling and assorted pastries waiting for you right here, Young Master.” He reached across and lifted the teacup from the cart, hovering it above the drowsy boy's chest in offering. “It would be advantageous for you to drink this down while I assemble your clothing from the day. As I said, there are a few things requiring your attention this afternoon.”

The little Lord begrudgingly sat up, his mismatched eyes hardly opened. His right hand rubbed the corresponding eye as the left took the teacup from the beaming Butler. Within a few moments of bringing it to his lips, Sebastian had pieced together a simple outfit from the wardrobe and placed it at the foot of the bed: a thicker cerulean blouse, white wool undergarments, black trousers, matching dark socks and shoes were all that would be needed. No company was expected, but should any surprise the Earl he would only need a formal jacket to complete the ensemble.

The cup was quickly emptied and placed aside only for Sebastian to refill it immediately; he knew it would be best if Ciel finished off the entire pot so the caffeine might help ease the complaining. After drinking half, the scent from the pastries turned Ciel’s attention. He quickly rose to scurry to the cart, but the way was blocked as Sebastian kneeled before him and began unbuttoning the nightshirt from the top.

“That can wait!” Ciel attempted to shove past, but Sebastian was unmoved as he continued.

“It will take less time if you do not fight it, Young Master.” An annoyed groan came from the little Lord’s chest, but he stood still nevertheless. The unbuttoning slowed once the gloved hands reached his naval, but no sign of hesitation came from the boy so he continued. The young Phantomhive did not pull away once he was completely exposed, which was something of a relief.

_Ah, a show of trust. Very good._

The Butler was sure to be expedient in getting the clothing on to prevent any misconceptions: First the undergarments for warmth, then the blouse so it may be fastened beneath the trousers, and lastly the socks beneath the heeled shoes. Ciel had not grown in a very long while, so the heels were raised slightly to create the illusion thereof. As such, Sebastian had to remain steady while used for balance when stepping into them.

“That is enough, Sebastian.” The hands fastening his shoes were kicked aside as Ciel turned to attack the plate of breakfast sweets. Sebastian shifted to his side again, taking the injured hand and untying the bandages. A grimace took the Earl’s expression upon seeing the bloodied cloth, but he at least knew not to pull away. A small bowl of alcohol, a cloth, and new bandages were pulled from the bottom shelf; the edge of the cloth was dipped into the bowl while the wound was examined. It was not terribly deep, but ran below

“As I said, it is nothing severe, but it should be cleaned once more. I’m afraid this will sting, my Lord.” Sebastian spoke softly before grasping the cloth and gliding it along the jagged cut. Ciel did his best to not show any pain, but a small whine managed to slip through. It was regretful that such discomfort had to be inflicted, but humans have such fragile bodies that needed tending with every scrape. Only a few more brushes of the cloth were needed before the new bandage was secured.

“That will do nicely. I recommend you do not scratch at it if the healing causes you to itch, but this should be but a scar within a week.” A comb was extracted from the Butler’s pocket and he began taming Ciel’s wild bedhead, receiving very little cooperation as the boy growled in annoyance and jerked his head away.

“You’re pulling my hair, damn you. Be gentle!” The little Lord was still grouchy,

_At least he is dressed and out of bed. It is frightful to imagine how the Young Master might have been if I had given him only one extra hour as opposed to two. No matter now._

After clearing the plate and using the chamberpot, Ciel slowly made his way to the study. A few accounts had to be balanced and business deals needed to be established before the end of the working day; it would not be terribly much if the morning had not been delayed as it was. The young Earl was always ruthless in his dealings, but his attitude was even further soured by a lack of steady sleep. No more nightmares haunted his mind through the night, but a few interesting thoughts kept him from sleeping soundly.

_Sebastian just… kissed me. How disgusting! A man, my Butler! That demon planned that out, I know it… No… it was an act to show his ability to restrain his urges…to prove he is not untrustworthy. It meant nothing so there is no need to dwell on it._

That last thought, however, splashed a drop of sadness into his mind.

_Dammit, no. That should not be a disappointment! I will not fall prey to the circumstances. This is no fairytale where a kiss can change everything. Reality has no such catalysts…_

The encounter invaded his mind as he entered the Study. As he did last night, Ciel hoped to lose his thoughts in a whirlwind of calculations and letters, but it appeared the occasional biscuit could be managed as well; Sebastian left a plate of sweets on his desk for the young Earl to pick at throughout the day.

“Can I eat these?” Ciel kept an eye on the offering as he sunk into the chair, his mouth watering at the sweet scent that filled the room. Sebastian smiled at the reaction; the grumpiness in his tone always did fade around sugary goods, but this lack of impulsive eating was a sign of maturity. Some maturity, at least. _Maybe._

“They will assist in keeping you at work, I believe. You also had a rough night, Young Master. A treat to make up for it seemed appropriate. However, there shan’t be elevenses.” Before Ciel could respond, Sebastian had dashed from the room and latched the door shut. The bit of coddling was very out of the ordinary, but he reasoned it to be a simple comforting gesture and accepted lunch would have to be light fare.

_Certainly not at all because his happiness means more than it should to a mere Butler._

The thought stopped his steps and he raised a gloved hand to rub his eyes in annoyance. Such reasoning should have no need to occur, but there it was. The idea of a nobleman, especially one as set in standards as Ciel Phantomhive, having even the slightest adoration for a Butler was absurd; Sebastian would have to quell this seed of curiosity and continue as normal. Past contracts had fallen for the demon rather easily, but they were commoners without societal obligations. As such, he had no problem taking them to bed. Unfortunately, very few were interesting, and none were as curious as this contractee.

Sebastian shook his head and continued away from the study. Bard could tend to the light lunch, but Mey-rin may require assistance with the bloodsoaked clothing from last night. At the very least, she could be reassured their Master was not seriously injured. Finnian would be out clearing the trees of snow; Snake would be free to assist since the Master was staying in, and those two seemed inseparable. The snakes would stay warm in the greenhouse since the cold would pose a threat to their health, though. All four were warned to avoid Ciel until he comes down for dinner this evening; they did not deserve a verbal lashing simply because he was peevish.

Ciel balanced each account, except one he found to be embezzled from by the factory manager, within the hour. A handful of telegrams were drafted to rectify the situation before going on to consider a few proposals for growth from the other factories throughout Asia; each and every one was denied within minutes due to either a blatant lack of planning or an obvious ploy to increase the manager’s pay. Another few letters were scribbled out with the briefest explanations, each more scathing than the last. The Earl chuckled as he folded the last.

_They think it would be easy to pull one over on a “child.” So much for their chances of promotion, then. We will have to evaluate their assistants for their jobs._

Another sweet was reached for; a chocolate chip and dried cherry croissant was held up to gaze upon as his mind wandered again. The distractions of work had been useful, but the treat was a reminder. Sweet and fleeting pleasure accompanied by an undeniably upset stomach, just like a kiss one may never know again. A sigh of defeat slid from his chest as he placed it back on the plate.

_My damned stomach already aches. I’m not entirely certain it is the sweets, however… Lizzie has never had this effect on me, and she has kissed my cheek dozens of times. One nightmare made him a villain, but that kiss…Goddamn it all. Sebastian…my demon… What curse has your lips put on me?_

Ciel stood abruptly from the chair, slamming his hands in aggravation on the desk. A pain shot up his arm as he had agitated the cut, but that only further fueled his misery. A growl sparked heavy breathing from dismay, his hands curling into tight little fists. The clock chimed eleven, but the Butler was nowhere in sight. A bit of melancholy washed over Ciel as he realized it would be another hour unless he called.

_No! Stop this nonsense at once. A man, a demon who is to devour your soul. Demons cannot even love, you fucking fool!_

_Can they? Has he before?_

So many questions about Sebastian’s past hovered in his mind, but there was never a need to ask them before now. The selfish Earl became raving with jealousy at the idea that another had possessed his demon in ways he never imagined. It was all so very frustrating, and being stuck inside was no help. He bolted from the Study and down the hall to the grand staircase, descending them as quickly as his heels safely allowed.

There were no calls for the Butler’s assistance as he donned his deep blue winter coat, the emerald scarf Lizzie had stitched for Christmas a few weeks before, and the only top hat low enough on the rack for the little Lord to reach. A walking stick was extracted from the closet before he threw open the door; a shiver took him as the frigid air stung his skin. Determined to a fault, Ciel took a sharp inhale and exited the manor, shutting the door tight behind. His destination was the rose garden, deducing Finny would be on the other side by this point in the morning.

The path was cleared from yesterday’s snowstorm; he nodded at the confirmation of Finny’s work being complete. Breathing in the cold tightened his chest, but it was nothing to worry on. Yet. The slumbering rose bushes came into view after a minute of walking, causing a bit of relief to take his mind. It would not last, however, as he turned the corner of the labyrinth to find a kneeling Sebastian (wearing nothing special for the winter air) tending to the special Sterling Silver rosebush. They both stopped in their tracks and gazed upon one another for a quiet moment, surprise taking both of their expressions; Ciel’s mouth remained slightly agape as the Butler stared curiously.

“Young Master? Is everything alright?” Sebastian stood from the stems, placing the handheld trimmer back into a box of tools sitting on the concrete bench. Ciel did not appear injured or in danger, (though his coat was not evenly buttoned,) so the demon was understandably confused. He took a small step closer, but his eyes continued their scans for distress.

_He seems as surprised as I am. Why venture so far when he need only call? Unless he had no intention of finding me._

“I... Yes, everything is fine. I finished what needed to be done and I fancied a stroll is all.” The Earl tried to force a dignified posture and hide the rushing emotions fluttering in his chest from bursting free. There was happiness to see the demon, melancholy that his planned solitude was destroyed, soured hope for answers, and a cluster of confusion about so very many things.

“My roses. They are still blooming when the others cannot. Why?” When buried under a chaotic mess of curiosities, it is best to begin clearing a path one answer at a time. Sebastian smiled at the boy’s wonder, proud of his abilities in this circumstance.

“That was your order, my Lord. I am to keep this bush of your favorite roses in perfect condition; Finnian was banned from nearing them to make it a simpler task.” Sebastian answered simply, though his grin remained steady.

_That damned smile._

“I remember that, but it is January. We just suffered the fourth snowstorm this winter. How do you manage it?” Adoration and curiosity filled his voice, but the reverence was what made Sebastian’s confusion spin again.

_My young Master seems impressed with me. Where might this be suddenly coming from? Hours ago, I was toeing the line of being slapped while waking him._

“I admit it takes some doing. You simply had to order such intricate tending for a rosebush _outside_ of the Greenhouse, but what kind of Butler would I be if I could not manage this much?” The Butler’s customary bow was given, and Ciel could not help but ponder.

_Another kiss might solve my dilemma. Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought it back. His face is level with mine when he bows…_

The blush on his cheeks burned brightly, but the demon stood at full height again before he could act. It was both relief and disappointment that shifted his features; he knew the expressions were not hidden, so the Earl turned on his heel and walked toward the bench to sit. Sebastian’s face twisted with concern at the Master’s behavior. Silence hovered between them for a moment before the demon dared to break it.

“Young Master, may I ask what has affected you so extremely this morning? Is the nightmare still plaguing your mind? I had hoped my reassurances of your ability to trust me might stomp out these embers of doubt.” His voice was consistent with genuine worry he hoped the boy would understand and be comforted by; the words caused a stir in Ciel’s chest, however, as the kiss flashed in his mind. Ciel shook his head in a quick response, knocking the top hat off before it fell into a snow mound behind him.

“It is not that, Sebastian.” A sigh shuttered forth as the freezing air nipped at his little ears, but he went on. “A lack of sleep makes humans weak to their emotions is all it is.” Perhaps saying such things would convince them both to believe this was the true problem as opposed to a false excuse. It failed, of course, and Sebastian simply gazed upon the boy’s face.

“Sebastian.”

“Yes, my lord?” The demon shifted his stance to act on whatever order was coming.

“Demons can control impulses, but can they…can _you_ …” A bothered snarl took his lips at his inability to say the last few words of a question that repeated in his mind again and again. Sebastian dared not speak as it would risk interrupting the flustered one’s thoughts, but he had some hope for what the question might be.

“Can demons want another beyond a carnal impulse? Some folklore holds it is not possible for your kind to…” _To love. Just say it, damn you. It is a simple academic inquiry. Open your fucking mouth and say it!_ The internal self- criticism continued and Sebastian could nearly read the thoughts on the Earl’s face; a smile forced its way to the Butler’s lips as he nodded.

“Yes, Young Master. The church says because we turned from God’s love we are incapable of such sentiments. However, when has a church trusted a demon’s word enough to inquire further?” A step to lessen their distance was taken. “Have you considered, perhaps, that we did not turn from Him out of hatred but that He turned from us out of disdain? Any hatred we harbor toward creation was born much later. As such, my Lord, I am capable of love beyond simple urges.”

Ciel stared up at his demon, when a fierce wind made him shiver again. He had no chance to speak as a coughing fit shook his small frame; Sebastian acted on impulse and scooped the hacking boy into his arms before dashing them both inside. On the way, Ciel lurched aside to vomit as the attack tightened his throat.

Worry hung from the Butler as he set the boy on a couch by a fire in the Drawing Room and removed the wet coat, chilled scarf, and frozen footwear. The warmth eased the fit to light wheezing, but Ciel had lost what little colour he had in his cheeks. The gardening had soaked his gloves, so Sebastian pulled them off before placing the marked hand on the center of the small chest and rubbing. Some said it helped relax the airways of asthma sufferers, and the wheezing eventually eased to heavy breathing. A sigh of relief slid from the Butler.

“Asthma is severe and subtle, Young Master. It was unwise of you to go outside when you are already lacking in sleep.” Sebastian was firm in his gentle scolding.

Ciel worked to catch his breath as he wiped his cheeks of tears caused by vomiting. It was true the cold air was indeed a catalyst for the attack, but a terrifying rush of sentiments was what had been at the heart of his fit.

_Sebastian can love. Dammit. That was going to be my reasoning out of this chaotic mindset. Now what will I do?_


	3. Watch and Learn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ciel Phantomhive...weak? Never...ish.

The attack had melted away, but it took a toll on Ciel’s body that his Butler would not permit him to ignore. Sebastian did his best to keep the young Master relaxed, but the Earl of Phantomhive was determined to prove there was no weakness in his veins.

            “I am the Master of this household, damn you. No orders can be given to me from my servants!” The young Earl argued in his bratty way, leaving no room for Sebastian to rebuke as he stood from the couch. Within a moment of Ciel shoving past the demon, however, Tanaka appeared in the doorway with his arms folded across his chest and scornful eyes ready to stare down the opposition.

            “My word, such a claim from a young man who cannot even obey his own limitations.” The boy stopped in his tracks, staring up at the old man with a respectful glare. Sebastian watched as the scene unfolded; a chuckle was stifled but his growing smirk could not be stopped. “You will listen to your Butler, young Master. His job is to serve and protect, even if what you must be protected from is your own ego.” Tanaka stepped toward Ciel, uncrossing his arms and placing a hand on the small shoulder.

            “Ever the strict old man, Tanaka.” The little Lord turned about before being ushered back to the couch by the Steward. Sebastian nodded in gratitude once Tanaka had wrapped Ciel’s legs in a blanket after removing the sodden trousers. The gesture was returned and a stern glare was given to the boy before he departed, leaving the demon Butler to tend to his Master.

            “Ah, Tanaka does have a way with you.” Sebastian smiled down at Ciel as he turned up the flames.

            _Now why do you not listen to me like that? I’ve never steered you incorrectly._

            “The man has been a Phantomhive servant for decades, Sebastian. The esteem I hold for him is well-earned.” Ciel spoke with a matter-of-fact tone as he pulled at the buttons of his blouse; the fabric felt odd to rest in, so he wished it to be removed. The Butler swooped to his knee beside the young Phantomhive and began unbuttoning swiftly.

A proper bedshirt would have to be retrieved, but the blanket would provide a suitable covering in the meanwhile; Ciel sat up slightly so the shirt could be slipped off without resistance. The demon found his eyes gazing along the porcelain chest, admiring the fairly insubstantial musculature that developed over two years fighting in the Underworld. They flashed as the kiss struck his mind; how had he managed to not see the beauty before? The stare only lasted a moment, but it did not go unnoticed.

“Is something wrong with my chest, or was that hunger in your glowing eyes?” The words shook ever so slightly as hope swelled through them, but Ciel kept his expression simply curious with only a raised brow. Sebastian stood and turned away immediately, hiding any hint of a blush that might have painted his cheekbones.

“My apologies, Young Master. Such a cough has broken the ribs of lesser beings, so it is advantageous to ensure no hidden damages were lurking.” A vague answer allowed him not to lie; it was indeed worth examining, though that was not his intention.

“I shall return with proper attire momentarily, my Lord.” With that, Sebastian disappeared with the damp clothing. Ciel glanced down at his abdomen as if to check himself over, but he was unconvinced by the answer.

_Sebastian’s eyes never glowed like that at me before. That was the same look he gives when an order entertains his senses. What sort of entertainment might it be, though?_

His hand found itself above his breastbone, tracing the barely discernable pectoral lines. If it were hunger, was he worth the craving? The thought made him scoff and pull the blanket up to cover what he could, closing his eyes and blushing at his own embarrassment.

_This is ridiculous. I’m hoping for lust from another man. Revolting!_

 Save for a few cracks from the fire, silence surrounded the boy as his body slipped into a slumber. Sebastian worked at not even half his demonic speed as an argument fueled his mind. The door to the laundry room was already open as Mey-rin was folding the stained clothing from last night. The damp clothing startled her as it plopped onto the table, a concerned look striking her barely-visible features.

            “The Young Master had a small asthma attack while out for a stroll. He is doing well, but he is resting in the Drawing Room. Continue in here and then dust the main halls, but do not disturb him.” Sebastian knew it would be best to assuage the Maid’s fears and keep her busy, especially when he himself was fraught with other concerns. He left before she could respond, afraid she might inquire further about what triggered the attack. The nightshirts were all sorted away in the master bedroom, but his thoughts kept his pace slow.

 

_What **did** trigger it so suddenly? The young Master showed no signs of trouble beforehand. Though it is not unexpected; the boy cannot button his own coat without assistance. Still, what were we discussing? Ah, my ability to love._

The demon stopped mid-step as concern swirled in his chest. He forced his feet to continue toward the bedroom, but too many questions began tormenting his mind.

            _The Young Master panicked at my answer. Does he still not trust me? Perhaps he fears I will fall in love, thus making any urges too strong to restrain. Or is another game afoot? He learned I am capable of love, and now he cannot reason his feelings away as an unattainable ideal? That would certainly make him panic, but it could be either train of thinking. I will need to know which so I can make certain the least harm comes of it._

            The new nightshirt was easily collected from the wardrobe once he finally reached the room; a guilty pang struck Sebastian as his slowed pace was surely unforgivable for a Phantomhive Butler. His inhuman quickness flashed him back to the Drawing Room, but Ciel’s familiar soft breathing stopped him outside the entryway. The little Lord was fast asleep, curled up tightly in the blanket and facing the fire. Sebastian could not help but smile at the peaceful sight, wanting not to slip away just yet. With soft steps, he approached the couch and draped the nightshirt across the back to be within Ciel’s short reach when he woke.

            _Just what is going on in those dreams of yours, my Lord?_

Daringly, the Butler pulled the glove from his marked hand and gently caressed the Noble’s cheek with his knuckles. The flesh had warmed nicely by the flames, allowing the colour to dance upon it once more. He slowly knelt down and continued to gaze upon the boy’s face in adoration; the lips he so briefly felt were pouted comfortably, tempting the demon for another kiss.

_One more kiss might determine what I desire from all of this, but to steal it would break the trust we have. I **need** to know what he is thinking._

Instead of meeting their lips, Sebastian grazed his own against the alabaster cheek before standing and turning to let the young Earl rest. There were letters in the Study to send and dinner would have to be prepared. A Butler’s duty must be performed perfectly, no matter the circumstances. He collected the letters and a sack of money for Market before scouting the Manor for Snake, who as Footman would be left to tend to the Master should he awaken prior to Sebastian’s return. The reptilian man was clearing the barn’s roof of snow with Finny.

“You two have been at work for over four hours and you are just now finishing the barn?” Sebastian asked with annoyance on his tongue as he began saddling a black stallion for his journey. One of Ciel’s first orders was for Sebastian to do his duties as a human would to avoid suspicion, or else he would simply sprint into the city and back in a flash. Finny blushed and babbled incoherently for a moment before Snake spoke up.

“I’m s-sorry, Black. There were… distractions along the way…” Snake fumbled with the hem of his jacket, avoiding eye contact with the Butler. Sebastian mounted the horse and finally glanced at the two; their clothing was crinkled and their hair was wild, causing his gloved hand to rub his nose exhaustively.

“So that is how it is? Please avoid such things until the young Master is in bed and you are free to sleep.” They nodded in unison as he went on. “I must run some errands in town. Our Master is resting in the Drawing Room and I should return before he wakes. If I am not back in time, Snake, you will tend to him.” The footman nodded with a smile as Finny slipped out of the barn, too embarrassed to say a word. With a kick, Sebastian was off at a full gallop.

Sixty Minutes passed, causing the cherry oak Grandfather clock to chime in the two o’clock hour; the sleeping Earl awoke with a jolt.

“Sebastian?” He called as his eyes blinked back into focus. No comforting voice graced his ear immediately, so Ciel rolled to his back and lifted his arms overhead, arching his back in a sweet stretch that drew out a whimper. Once his body fell limb with a newfound relaxation, he noticed the nightshirt draped for his reach. Feet found the floor as he sat to quickly slide it on to cover the horrific brand on his lower back; only Sebastian knew of its existence and Ciel wanted it to stay as such. A light knock came from the hall before Snake stepped into the Drawing Room, holding the young Master’s robe and slippers.

“Black, er, Mister Sebastian is out on errand, Smile. I’m to act in his place until he returns.” The man took another few steps closer, draping the robe on the couch before kneeling in front of his master to arrange the slippers for dressing. “I’d stopped in once to check on you and saw you were hardly dressed, so I ran to your room and got these to keep you warm.” A small green snake then slithered from his coat and wrapped about the Footman’s neck loosely. “Oh, Emily helped…because I have no sense of style…”

Ciel slipped his feet into the footwear and stood, holding the blanket about his hips. “Button this. Where did he go? I gave no orders for errands…” His voice trailed as if lost in thought, but Snake’s chilled hands grazing his flesh as he slowly buttoned the shirt.

_Sebastian was just going to get my night shirt… he did, but… why did he leave me? Was I a bother?_

“He had some letters and money, says Emily. Perhaps he was taking care of the postage and picking things up at Market?” Snake stood from his spot, lifting the robe and holding it open for Ciel to slip into. “We heard you had another fit. Emily was most worried, so I let her come in with me to prove you are alright.” She slid down his arm and poked her head out as if to inspect the Earl. A small smile was forced on the little Lord’s lips as he reached his bandaged hand to pet her; yet another reminder of emotions damaging his sensibilities.

“Yes, I’m alright. A walk outdoors and confused thoughts were to blame, but it’s passed now.”  It took more energy to be annoyed than Ciel wished to waste on this; his feelings had to be sorted out before the day’s end or sleep would escape him again.

“Confused thoughts? About what? …asks Emily.” The snake retracted up the sleeve to settle on the man’s shoulder. A scornful look flashed upon the little Lord’s face at the invasive questioning, but it faded as he pondered.

_Snake has been all around the world. He has no care for Society’s taboos or legal fallouts. Perhaps he has a valid idea on the matter…_

Ciel slowly lowered onto the couch, his exposed eye glimmering with the flames from the hearth.

“Snake… how do other countries view…well, what I mean is can two men…” His words were by no means smooth, causing the Earl to grimace at his own nervousness.

“Ah, Smile. I understand, I think. You’re confused about men, right? It is illegal in the United Kingdom, isn’t it? …asks Emily.” Ciel simply nodded and avoided eye contact as a blush tickled his cheeks.

“Well, I think it is a foolish law. What harm can it cause? No one even knew about Finny and I until-“

“What!?” Ciel blurted out in surprise; his mouth remained agape from the reveal. Snake’s cheeks turned bright red as Emily slithered into his jacket to hide.

“I-I-I thought Black would have… oh, but he left before right away so of course he couldn’t…” His hands began fumbling nervously with the hem of his jacket; his gaze lowered timidly as the shocked Master could only stare while his mind was torn asunder.

_Sebastian knew. He just found out, but he did not wake me. Even he would have alerted me if it were a serious issue that required tending to._

“You say he knew, then? Was he disgusted? Angry, perhaps?” The questions were more speculative than meant to be answered, but Snake caught on to their meaning quickly. He sat beside the Earl; a servant would normally never dare to do such a thing, but Ciel did not react to it.

“Black’s only issue was that we must never act on it while you are awake. It would interfere with our jobs, so our time will wait until after you are in bed. He wasn’t put off by it, I think.”

“He wasn’t…” The words trembled the same way his little hands began to. The hope was being reinforced, and such a thing was terrifying. When someone has lost everything, having hope is a terrifying risk that could end in more tragedy. Ciel lived to further his family name, protect the Queen’s interests, and to one day seek revenge on those who wrecked havoc on the Phantomhive. There was no hope for him; his soul was already given to the demon that now held his heart.

_At least I am putting my all into this damned fantasy._

“You awoke early, Young Master. I apologize for not being here in time.” Sebastian’s voice startled them both, causing their gazes to fall on the demon. Snake stood quickly and began to leave the room, thinking Ciel might need to speak privately to his Butler; the demon nodded respectfully at the Footman before stepping closer to his Master. The exposed sapphire remained set upon Sebastian’s eyes as a blush flamed his cheeks.

“You appear to be in much better health, but you’re trembling. Are you cold, my Lord?” Sebastian knelt before Ciel and yanked a glove off with his teeth, gently pressing a bare fingertip to the cheek he became familiar with before his errands.

“I… Sebastian?” Hundreds of questions tugged upon the Earl’s tongue, but no words could be formed. He was lost at this slight touch and knew at once what to do. Ciel’s hands shot to Sebastian’s hair to pull him closer as he leaned forward to meet their lips much harder than before; the sapphire closed from fear of disgust painting the Butler’s features, but it was an unneeded gesture. Sebastian was shocked by the impulse at first, but quickly moved to return the affection. The kiss lasted for a few moments before the young Lord pulled away timidly, panting as his heart threatened to pound right out of his little chest. Their eyes met again as silence hung between them; Sebastian raised his gloved hand to knock away the eye patch, allowing Ciel to see clearly.

“Sebastian, I…” The demon smiled as his master stuttered on, making no real words from his sounds. A finger pressed against Ciel’s lips to end his suffering.

“I will never betray you, and lying is unbefitting a Phantomhive Butler. All you must do is call my name, young master, and your wish is my command.” Sebastian whispered the words he knew to calm his master’s worries, but they carried a very different meaning now. His hand slid from the other’s lips only to rest upon the blushing cheek.

“If we… do you…” Ciel took a breath to calm his incredibly fried nerves. “This is all so new, but I want it. I hate it, this damned vulnerability, but I trust you. I foolishly trust the demon I sold my soul to.” He chuckled at the insanity of it all, but Sebastian’s face straightened seriously.

“Do not think of that, young Master. That will be dealt with in the future.” The words dripped with sincerity; Sebastian knew this contract was different from the beginning, so the ending would surely be just as surprising. Ciel nodded in response before leaning forward to breach their distance with another kiss, his hands still trembling in the demon’s silky hair. The kiss was greedily returned; Sebastian could not help but lightly lick the little closed lips before pulling away. They rested upon each other’s foreheads silently until the clock chimed in at 3 PM. A small smile was offered as the Butler stood, making Ciel lower his hands to his lap and tilt his head to keep eye contact. A disappointment flashed upon his expression.

“I must tend to dinner, my lovely Lord.” The term of endearment lightened Ciel’s eyes as his lips twisted upward. The boy stood from the couch and lifted his eye patch for Sebastian to secure again.

“Then I shall join you in the kitchen.” The statement was indeed no question, but the demon shook his head while tying a new knot in the strings.

“The kitchen is no place for the Earl of Phantomhive. I promise to have dinner ready early, seeing as how you missed lunch and lost breakfast.” His hands settled upon the boy’s shoulders; Ciel’s own pair rose to rest upon his demon’s chest.

“I am ill, remember? Best you keep an eye on me.” The signature smirk flickered onto his face, rendering Sebastian unable to fight it. He chuckled at his stubborn Master before turning to let him walk ahead.

“I cannot promise it will be entertaining, though I will endeavor to put on a good show for you.” The smiling Lord led the way with Sebastian’s hand on his shoulder. Bard was asleep in a chair with his feet propped on the counter; the Butler lifted Ciel onto the center table before turning to reprimand the Chef. The mischievous boy leaned and knocked the chair back before Sebastian could speak, sending the sleeping man to the ground with a crash.

“Sleeping on the job? What do I pay you for?” Ciel’s expression was flattened with an annoyance that made his Butler grin. Bard began rubbing his head as he stood up.

“I’m sorry there, youn’ master. I was waiting for the supplies and –“

“Leave. You can clean up later.” Ciel turned toward Sebastian and winked, making the demon’s grin double. The chef cleared out quickly, which left the Master alone with his lover.

“Now then. How does my Butler go about preparing din-“ The words were cut with a quick kiss from the demon Butler, which he was quick to return as his hands found their way to the other’s broad shoulders. Sebastian was the one to pull away, placing the boy’s hands in his own to kiss briefly before releasing them completely. The removed glove was pulled from his pocket and donned as he grinned.

“Watch and learn, my Lord.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Labouchere Amendment of 1885 banned all crude acts between two men. It was passed on almost the exact day Ciel would have met Sebastian. Quite a coincidence. I’ll be updating again soon, loves!

**Author's Note:**

> NB: According to history, Gilles de Rais retired a very wealthy man. Within a year of his retirement he had depleted the family fortune and began a hunt to restore it. This resulted in one of the most shocking court cases in history, when it was found he had violated and murdered anywhere between eighty and six hundred children in an attempt to summon the devil. For this fanfic's purpose, I decided to base Ciel's torture on both these historical events, as well as the fairy tales and legends that it went on to inspire.


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